Catching my Breath

I'm not only finding it difficult to get a moment for myself during the day, but I'm also finding it difficult to control myself... specifically, my emotions, my words and my tone toward my two-year-old.

This morning I woke up to her banging on her door whimpering because she had crawled out of her crib for the second morning in a row. I am NOT prepared for this. I have been sooooo happy lately with how the schedule is working out between Eden and Arielle in the mornings. If Arielle wakes first, fine, I feed her and then wait for Eden to wake up. (that is the rarest scenario, by the way) If Eden wakes first and I'm not ready to get up, she reaches through the slats in her crib to the wagon filled with books and reads to herself and sings, allowing me to lay in bed longer. Nice, huh? Then I can go get her and feed her breakfast. She watches an episode of Gospel Bill (a show I watched as a kid) while I change Arielle and feed her. Perfect.

Eden climbing/falling out of her crib and then crying and banging on the door, which, in turn, requires me to get up at whatever time it may be and also awakens Arielle is by no means ideal.

sigh. Not a great way to start the day.

After I opened her door, knelt down to her eye level, grabbed her shoulders and scolded her harshly for climbing out of her crib, I had a realization about that moment and about the day before.

See, yesterday, I must have raised my voice at her at least 10 times. She (in random order) yelled "No!" at me when asked to sit back in her carseat, refused to go to her room for a diaper change, asked me 30 billion questions loudly over the screaming of her baby sister, decided to somersault off the couch and consequently hit her head hard on the coffee table after being told not to climb on the couch, continuously kicked the foot rest on the stroller, touched or grabbed everything she was strolled past in the store, stuck her finger down Arielle's throat to try to stop her crying, wouldn't stay in her chair at dinner ... and the list of aggravations goes on. She seemed to be on some crazy drug yesterday and I seemed to turn into a big, awful monster of a mommy.

So, this morning, after I gave her a good shake, glare, and scolding. God shook me, right to my heart and it took my breath away. I was miserable. Instead of giving Eden breakfast, I sat in the chair in our den and cried. She was very concerned and came up to me and leaned on my lap and stroked my leg, which made me feel worse.

I have a HUGE responsibility here and I'm not living up to the task. I know God can help me and obviously He wants to because He got my attention this morning.

Ok God. You want a change, You're going to have to make it in me.

Lord, I give you my heart. I give you my soul. I live for You alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord, have Your way in me.

Christmas Thoughts

I took a break from survival mode to pretend I didn't have a baby three weeks ago and stepped out for a little Christmas party with the Spousal Alliance of UMC. Chuck and I got dressed up for the first time since being parents of two and went to dinner with the group.

I decided to take some pictures when I got back to commemorate the event. Here's one.

This morning, I'm listening to Andy Stanley, pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA. He's talking about Christmas and the fact that Jesus had some shady characters in his family that He should have been embarrassed of, just like we all do. He's talking about the fact that Matthew included some strange choices in Jesus' geneology. He, as a despised tax collector, sinner, and overall despicable character, understood that the story of Jesus shouldn't be about associations with only admirable people. Jesus came from sinners and came to save sinners. God had come for those who needed a gift, not those who seemed perfect. The sinners like Tamar and Rahab, the awful mistake of David and Bathsheeba, the non-Jewish Ruth... they were all connected to Christ. Christ came to connect with sinners. Even the ones in your family... in my family... even me.

It's Been A While

... so I thought I owed everyone some sort of post. I do not have the brain cells available to me to write anything lengthy, but I wanted to post something or other, just to say I have.

I am currently waiting for the gas company to come by, as we apparently have some sort of leak outside our house. A big thanks goes out to the postman for letting me know he smelled gas as he walked by.

Ok, the gas guy just showed up. He said he didn't detect anything or smell anything, so now I feel silly, but at least it's good news that there's no leak.

Chuck's back from a workout... I'll finish this tomorrow...

next day:

I'm trying out a new schedule today. Eden is still with my parents in Atlanta. We left her there after Thanksgiving so I could have a week or so back here with just Arielle to continue to recover before I had to take care of an infant and an almost two-year-old. I've been taking a nap in the mornings from 9-11am every day, which I would not be able to do with Eden here. So, today, I got up at 8am and I'm going to stay up until 1pm, when Eden normally naps. The trick will be to get Arielle to nap at that time too.

Right now she's being very fussy, so I guess it's a good thing that I'm not trying to take a morning nap today. I really dislike a crying baby. It's no fun. Especially when you can't seem to do anything to soothe.

I've been leaving the TV on most of the day to somewhat simulate the noise that Eden will bring with her when she returns home. Arielle was doing really great sleeping through her sister's shrieks while we were all in Atlanta, but I'm afraid she's getting spoiled with quiet this week.

I've had about all the crying I can take for now. I'd better get her out of her pack n' play.