Forgiveness

I had a teachable moment last night. It's not often fun to be in the middle of a teachable moment. Those moments are usually uncomfortable or unpleasant. Well, no different here.

I was upset with someone. I felt they had not made the best choices and had, in turn, inconvenienced me. I then stewed.

After a few minutes of stewing, God reminded me I needed to forgive and that I was only hurting myself by continuing to hold on to my disgruntled-ness.

So I set out to convince myself to forgive, regardless of how I felt. "Well," I thought, "he didn't really mean to. He had no ill intentions. In fact, he was probably thinking he was doing me a favor. His heart was probably in the right place." I was becoming pleased with myself. I'm so generous to realize these things and give the benefit of the doubt. This is really helping me work towards forgiveness.

Then God cut into my thoughts. "Wrong. That's not what I want you to do, Sara."

"What? I'm doing a great job here, God!"

"That's not forgiveness, Sara."

"What do you mean that's not forgiveness. Just let me continue to work this out and I'll get there eventually. Give me a few more minutes. It's not instantaneous."

"That's NOT forgiveness."

Oh, crud. I get it now.

Sigh.

Colossians 3: 12-13

¹² Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts,kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

"Did you have anything good at ALL for Me to use as an excuse to forgive you? Did you in ANY way deserver the forgiveness I gave?" said my Father to me.

So often, we try to make ourselves forgive others by trying to realize their good intentions or by finding some grain of "good" in them that makes them possibly worthy of our forgiveness. The danger in that is that there will surely be a time when you can find no exchange for your forgiveness, no good in the one who has wronged you. Then, if you have only practiced forgiveness in this way, you will be stuck with growing bitterness inside your heart for the rest of your life. It will eat your insides out. It will take a part of you away and you will not be a fully functioning individual. You will have given Satan a foothold that he can enjoy and exploit.

Even when we CAN find that excuse to forgive, that's still not real forgiveness, so we shouldn't even bother.

God forgave me when there was nothing I could give Him. I had no redeeming qualities, but He redeemed me for Himself. I am called to forgive others even as He forgave me, not for their benefit, but for mine. God wants me to be free and my heart to be unfettered. He led by example and He also provides the power to follow.

Try it for yourself today.

In YMCA - M stands for Mud

Here's the story...

I went to the Y at 5:30 for a step class. I took my keys, my wallet and Eden. I had a great class, got Eden and went to the car. I pulled out of my parking space and proceeded to go around a row of cars to get to the exit. Cars had parked all the way to the edge of the pavement and out on to some grass. I could see the grass had ruts and bumps, but I took it slow so as not to bump the nose of my car. I made it through the first "ditch" just fine and began slowly through the second. That's where all the trouble began. I never made it out. I did what you do before you realize you're stuck in mud and floored it. I made it to the crest of the mini hill and sank back down. I popped it in reverse. No luck. I turned the wheels, looking for a better direction to get out. No good. I reversed as far as I could go, quickly put it in drive and (brilliantly) used the kinetic energy to give my car the extra push it needed to make it through, over and out.

Yes!

Nope.

I had to leave my car stuck and get Eden out and walk back inside. Remember, I only have my wallet and keys. That means no phone. I use the Y's phone to call home. No answer. I then have to ask to use the personal cell phone of one of the employees to call Chuck's long distance cell number. He answers and says he'll be on his way soon.

He arrives with Arielle (who had been in the middle of eating) and tries to get my car unstuck. Meanwhile, Eden is continuously repeating "Mud. Mud. Mud? Stuck? Stuck in mud. Stuck in the mud. Car, mud. Mommy's car stuck in mud." It felt like she was rubbing it in. I was going loco.

Chuck didn't have any better time of it than I. We call AAA and settle inside the Y to wait an hour for the tow truck. Meanwhile, Arielle is getting anxious to eat the rest of her dinner and has also soaked through her diaper, pants, blanket and my sleeve... then she pooped. Eden hadn't eaten either, so Chuck drove to Wendy's for a kids meal of nuggets.

While we continue to wait and Eden begins her long-awaited meal. This very friendly woman begins chatting with us. Just basic stuff like what beautiful kids we have and remembering that she was 2 when her sister was born. Then she says "What are you having to eat sweetie? Oh, chicken nuggets, huh? You're going to get fat if you keep eating food like that."

Give us a break, lady! You have no idea what she eats normally and it's really none of your business anyway!

Then, even later, when the tow truck had come and Chuck was out with the towing man, she came back around and grabbed a cookbook off a table where it was displayed for purchase. She began showing the pictures to Eden and said "Oh, you probably won't recognize any of these vegetables, we'd better look at pictures of fruit." At that point, I felt the need to defend myself. Stupid, but oh well. So when she came to a picture of tomatoes I cut in quickly, "She LOVES tomatoes! You love tomatoes, don't you Eden!?" Of course, she just stared at me. Come on! Say, "Yummy, yummy!" or something to back Mommy up. Then we came to a page with broccoli. "Oh, broccoli Eden! another of your favorites! right?" No answer. The woman looked at me and said, "Really, she eats broccoli?" "Yep!"

I wanted to say, "Cross my heart and hope to die. She really does. I promise!" But I controlled myself.

Finally, Chuck came back in with the keys and we were all set to go.

I was super stressed out for the rest of the evening although very glad to be home. I won't be ready to go back to that Y for a few more days.

More Videos Posted!

Even though I haven't been blogging faithfully, I have been making more YouTube videos. I actually have my own channel you can subscribe to and everything! It's a bit easier to make a video for me than it is to type sometimes as demonstrated in my latest one which you can find here. I actually held Arielle through the whole thing. She's now sleeping peacefully, so I had a moment to write this so you would know to go watch.... especially if you're blemish-prone like me. You might find out something useful. :)

Yea For Sewing!

I'm back at it. I actually found some time to hit the sewing machine and try out a brand new pattern I purchased with Christmas money. I discovered Heidi and Finn on Etsy.com. They have very reasonably priced, unique kids patterns. I bought the girly blouse pattern and the dressy coat with the bow. I made Eden a fall/winter version of the blouse from some denim I had left over from making her some ruffle-bottom jeans. (I don't have a good picture of the jeans yet... I'll post when I do.)

I took her out on the porch today to photograph the debut of the blouse and then we went to the mall. She got several compliments and I was so proud! :)

Catching my Breath

I'm not only finding it difficult to get a moment for myself during the day, but I'm also finding it difficult to control myself... specifically, my emotions, my words and my tone toward my two-year-old.

This morning I woke up to her banging on her door whimpering because she had crawled out of her crib for the second morning in a row. I am NOT prepared for this. I have been sooooo happy lately with how the schedule is working out between Eden and Arielle in the mornings. If Arielle wakes first, fine, I feed her and then wait for Eden to wake up. (that is the rarest scenario, by the way) If Eden wakes first and I'm not ready to get up, she reaches through the slats in her crib to the wagon filled with books and reads to herself and sings, allowing me to lay in bed longer. Nice, huh? Then I can go get her and feed her breakfast. She watches an episode of Gospel Bill (a show I watched as a kid) while I change Arielle and feed her. Perfect.

Eden climbing/falling out of her crib and then crying and banging on the door, which, in turn, requires me to get up at whatever time it may be and also awakens Arielle is by no means ideal.

sigh. Not a great way to start the day.

After I opened her door, knelt down to her eye level, grabbed her shoulders and scolded her harshly for climbing out of her crib, I had a realization about that moment and about the day before.

See, yesterday, I must have raised my voice at her at least 10 times. She (in random order) yelled "No!" at me when asked to sit back in her carseat, refused to go to her room for a diaper change, asked me 30 billion questions loudly over the screaming of her baby sister, decided to somersault off the couch and consequently hit her head hard on the coffee table after being told not to climb on the couch, continuously kicked the foot rest on the stroller, touched or grabbed everything she was strolled past in the store, stuck her finger down Arielle's throat to try to stop her crying, wouldn't stay in her chair at dinner ... and the list of aggravations goes on. She seemed to be on some crazy drug yesterday and I seemed to turn into a big, awful monster of a mommy.

So, this morning, after I gave her a good shake, glare, and scolding. God shook me, right to my heart and it took my breath away. I was miserable. Instead of giving Eden breakfast, I sat in the chair in our den and cried. She was very concerned and came up to me and leaned on my lap and stroked my leg, which made me feel worse.

I have a HUGE responsibility here and I'm not living up to the task. I know God can help me and obviously He wants to because He got my attention this morning.

Ok God. You want a change, You're going to have to make it in me.

Lord, I give you my heart. I give you my soul. I live for You alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord, have Your way in me.

Christmas Thoughts

I took a break from survival mode to pretend I didn't have a baby three weeks ago and stepped out for a little Christmas party with the Spousal Alliance of UMC. Chuck and I got dressed up for the first time since being parents of two and went to dinner with the group.

I decided to take some pictures when I got back to commemorate the event. Here's one.

This morning, I'm listening to Andy Stanley, pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA. He's talking about Christmas and the fact that Jesus had some shady characters in his family that He should have been embarrassed of, just like we all do. He's talking about the fact that Matthew included some strange choices in Jesus' geneology. He, as a despised tax collector, sinner, and overall despicable character, understood that the story of Jesus shouldn't be about associations with only admirable people. Jesus came from sinners and came to save sinners. God had come for those who needed a gift, not those who seemed perfect. The sinners like Tamar and Rahab, the awful mistake of David and Bathsheeba, the non-Jewish Ruth... they were all connected to Christ. Christ came to connect with sinners. Even the ones in your family... in my family... even me.

It's Been A While

... so I thought I owed everyone some sort of post. I do not have the brain cells available to me to write anything lengthy, but I wanted to post something or other, just to say I have.

I am currently waiting for the gas company to come by, as we apparently have some sort of leak outside our house. A big thanks goes out to the postman for letting me know he smelled gas as he walked by.

Ok, the gas guy just showed up. He said he didn't detect anything or smell anything, so now I feel silly, but at least it's good news that there's no leak.

Chuck's back from a workout... I'll finish this tomorrow...

next day:

I'm trying out a new schedule today. Eden is still with my parents in Atlanta. We left her there after Thanksgiving so I could have a week or so back here with just Arielle to continue to recover before I had to take care of an infant and an almost two-year-old. I've been taking a nap in the mornings from 9-11am every day, which I would not be able to do with Eden here. So, today, I got up at 8am and I'm going to stay up until 1pm, when Eden normally naps. The trick will be to get Arielle to nap at that time too.

Right now she's being very fussy, so I guess it's a good thing that I'm not trying to take a morning nap today. I really dislike a crying baby. It's no fun. Especially when you can't seem to do anything to soothe.

I've been leaving the TV on most of the day to somewhat simulate the noise that Eden will bring with her when she returns home. Arielle was doing really great sleeping through her sister's shrieks while we were all in Atlanta, but I'm afraid she's getting spoiled with quiet this week.

I've had about all the crying I can take for now. I'd better get her out of her pack n' play.